A manifestation of who I have become.
It feels strange to say that I manifested this life.
To say that by some sense of desire and will, I pulled this present moment into my reality; that it didn’t all just happen by chance and coincidence.
But I look back and realize that the only explanation for how I got here is, in a sense, the manifestation of it.
Not some frequency matching, spiritual bypassing, crystal obsessing kind of manifestation (although I do love a good crystal moment).
Not even a physical manifestation of things or people, or even these opportunities to try new things.
No.
Rather, a manifestation of the version of self.
A version of self that becomes everything that deep, rich, meaningful desire asks of it.
In November of 2023,
I lay on the floor attempting my first guided meditation in years. Feeling drawn to uncovering what was hidden within me. The beginning of my most recent active manifestation journey.
I lay there hearing the looping of the binural sounds in each ear as the soothing voice washed over me, inviting me to release. Calling me to a place of relaxation and reverence that can only be achieved through a willingness to try.
Reaching into the depths of the back of my mind, I saw the creeping of my desires for another life.
I saw my discontent, my bottled-up hope, my thirst for adventure.
A scary moment to realize that all you had built, that was supposed to be your castle on a hill, was actually a bunker beneath the earth. That your fear took the place of your joy and became the foreman of the construction of your life.
In that space far in the back, sitting next to my minor in Spanish language and the memory of learning to indoor rock climb, I could see a shimmer of what ached to be set free.
In that moment, I began to speak and write aloud my desires. For the first time in a few years, I allowed myself to reach back into the realm left behind. The one filled with endless learning, tireless dancing, wild passion, and unshakable peace.
I began to call forward the version of myself who could be bold, brave, vibrant, and free.
The exact words that I wrote were
JOY | EXPERIENCES | EASE | FREEDOM.
My authentic code, my guide posts.
This was the beginning.
The manifestation of reclamation.
Reaching back for myself and pulling her from the shadows of the expectations of others and of herself.
The funny, not-so-funny, thing about manifesting the version of yourself who lives the life you feel deeply called towards is that it usually means that the version of yourself that you are in that moment has some lessons to learn, people to prune, beliefs to unpack, and tears to be shed.
So that is what I did and what was done to me.
2024, the year of Saturn Return shadow, my pruning, my refinement, my unearthing.
Friendships shattered. Desperation for other places. The box shrinking around me, begging me to break loose.
Months pining for new work, new home, new friends, renewed romance — all the while my body fatigued and my heart broke.
There were waves of great joy as I began to see the glimmer of who I once was and also who I was becoming. Those moments were not a lie. They just didn’t last.
There were waves of great sorrow as time played its role in my shaping.
There was no way to get where I was going quicker. No way to shortcut the distance in my relationship, or the realization that quitting my job had to be at the perfect timing.
Droning on about my known purpose and deep dissatisfaction with my therapist.
Fighting the universe and then releasing to it - a cosmic dance of collaboration.
This is a manifestation.
The creation of a new self.
The UNSHAKABLE belief that what is for your highest good will find you when you seek it. An embodiment of collective healing, willful release, and meaningful action.
It can look millions of ways. It can feel incredible and terrible and freeing and scary and unreal and too real all in the matter of seconds.
You can look your parents in the eye as they house you for 5 months and keep telling them, "I can feel that what is next for me is right around the corner, and I really need to trust that."
You can turn down opportunities that feel crazy to say no to.
You can invest in an online program that calls so deeply to your soul, but that feels insane to purchase as you navigate a version of unemployment.
You can drive for Uber Eats over the weekend and be learning yoga for two weeks in Mexico next.
But all the while, your joy feels like it never wavers.
When the fear comes, you welcome it in for tea, hear its concerns, and then let it go on its way.
It is sometimes subtle in the way this new self creates and draws the magic in & other times it’s overwhelming.
To have a candle on your altar labeled Colorado, and the first words you said after the divorce were “I am going to Colorado,” then spending months trying to figure out how to actually make that happen.
After all that time, having to release the dream for a bit because you are boarding a plane to an adventure elsewhere that requires your undivided attention, and then after days fully present in the expreinece, to receive an invitation for a role in Colorardo that you could have only created for yourself in dreams -- that starts two weeks upon your return.
It feels crazy, and perfect, and selfish, and exhilarating.
The realist says it just happened, but the mystic knows that nothing just happens.
There was hard work, deep faith, a billion moments, and a pointed purpose that led me right here to this moment.
A manifestation of who I have become.