Vastness is the cure for smallness
If you are feeling stuck, suffocated, or stagnant, there is so much more ahead than you can see right now
It almost feels dirty to write this.
It feels wrong to sit and write about how living in a travel trailer can be really on hard on the mind sometimes.
It feels wrong because so so so many people wish they were doing what I am getting to do right now, and heck, I don’t blame them.
So, how did I get here writing this post?
How did I get to the breaking point,
feeling trapped within the four walls of this not-so-small trailer?
Well, as a certified earthy girlie, I am the first in line for structure, routine, rootedness, and fun within certainty. I find most of my expansiveness in time alone, curating meaningful experiences, reading books, constantly learning, and connecting deeply with spirit. ANNNDDD being on the road has put so many of those things on pause, the back burner, or for later down the road “when we get settled”.
All expected and all “prepared” for.
Except you can never really be fully prepared for something you have never done.
You can say a dozen times,
“This last leg of the trip is going to be hard. We will not have as much time to explore, root in, or get familiar with our surroundings.”
“We will be on the road for hours. Staying in state parks with limited amenities & literally have zero time apart.”
“It will be hard, but getting to our destination will be soooo worth it. We are a team, and we are prepared.”
And still, with only four days left of non-stop travel, I felt like I was going insane
“Did I make the wrong choice? How the hell do you share space with someone else 24/7? Will I actually feel any relief in New Hampshire?”
and having a full-on crash out on a random Thursday afternoon.
You would think, “ Oh, that is the end of it.” You had your moment, you said your words, you did your journaling, the worst is behind you.
But you, dear reader, also know that that feeling of stuckness is so much more pervasive than that. Instead, it began consuming my every thought, making me question every decision that brought me here, with each touch of irritability.
Medicating with deep breaths, morning stretches, warm lemon water, and soothing sounds. Nothing was a match for the depth of wondering that I had found myself in, until this morning.
It wasn’t until I arrived at the overlook of the Indian Trail in Big Pocono State Park and was steeped in pure awe that the noise finally dissipated, my shoulders released an exhale, and my focus both narrowed and expanded.
Because when you’re faced with feeling so big in your life.
When you feel that all-consuming certainty that you don’t know how you are going to make it to the next stop without losing yourself completely.
Go find something vast.
The ocean, the plateau, the mountain tops, a crowd of inspired people (artists, musicians, creators).
Something so UNDENIABLY bigger than yourself to remind yourself that while your life matters and your problems matter, they are so “now.”
They are so “in this moment", and they feel so absolute.
But placed up against the limitless, expansive, and majestic force that is this Earth, this world, this existence, those doubts and fears don’t feel so all-consuming.
From a bigger point of view, you can see solutions you have never seen before.
You can witness the limitless resources that cover the landscape (as long as we continue to protect them).
And you can be reminded that something greater, more benevolent, and more mystical exists all around you, that you are not alone in your wondering.
I thank god for Big Pocono State Park.
Thank god I left the enclosure of our travel trailer to see just how BIG and GRAND and MAJESTIC the limitlessness of this world is.
Thank god I allowed myself to feel that feeling deep in my bones and made room for it to nourish my soul.
And just like that, in all sincerity, I have found not only the acceptance of what lies ahead, but have shifted into oozing enthusiasm to see what the vastness in front of me has in store.
This summer, I will be participating in the To Be Magnetic summer challenge, focusing on healing the visibility wound.
Join me starting June 1st to rewire the subconscious patterns keeping you stuck in hiding, get to the root of your fear of being seen, and shift it at the nervous system level and step into a season of authentic visibility and creative self-expression (whatever that looks like for you).
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