I'm pissed that I care at all
A reflection on progress, creativity, and shifting beliefs around creative sharing
Short journal entry from April 6th,
At this very moment, I am holding two very opposing energies and figuring out what the hell to do with them.
On one hand, I am a writer, creative, and passionate person who knows that sharing and storytelling are part of my essence and my unique expression, while on the other hand, I have been trained and molded to believe that all things worth doing must breed success, either in attention or money.
This isn’t some article set to focus on my whoas as a creative; that story has been told and wrung out since the beginning of time, but rather this is an opening into honest reflection on what it feels like to be so split by something so powerful and so lovely.
The real raw truth is that I am pissed.
I am pissed that when I write something meaningful and fundamentally moving, it receives 10 likes.
BUT I am even more pissed, frustrated, and ashamed that I even care at all!
I burst forth from the womb with a lot to say and a love of life.
That is what writing, creating, and sharing are for me,
and it grinds the very gears I run on,
that I have allowed the belief that quantity, visibility, and profitability are some secret code to unlocking my external security on this Earth.
I am pissed about it.
Present Day Reflection
I am not so pissed now.
Rather than rooting in the mud and sinking to the depths of the forlorn artist, I shall instead shift that belief (even if it takes every bone in my mindfulness body).
My new belief, should I fully embody the challenge, goes as such
When I create new things, I step into my highest self
When I share things, I detach from the possible outcomes
When I am at my highest self and detached from outcomes, my work has the greatest impact…even when I never see it
Where there is joy, there is magic, and where there is magic, there is a path forward
The next step in self-coaching myself through this new belief is to explore HOW I plan to make this shift stick. So here is what we have so far:
Every time I sit down to create, I ask myself, “What message am I trying to share?” or “What do I desire to create?” instead of “Who is this for, or how does this make sense?”
When the post is posted, and the sharing is done, I want to counteract that energy with something grounding. Going for a walk, dropping into a meditation, cooking a meal. Anything that puts meaningful space between me and the work (not just scrolling on my phone).
DO THE SUBCONSCIOUS WORK! Through meaningful repetition, my beliefs will eventually shift, but to achieve the greatest impact and sustain the change, something has to shift within my mind. Somewhere in the deep filing cabinet of my mind lives a file of all the recorded times the old belief of production, success, and visibility lives, and it’s time to replace that with a much more updated one.
The tool I use for subconscious work that has changed my life here.
I set my hopes and dreams on looking up a year or even 6 months from now, and have a completely shifted relationship with this platform, my art, and even the way I dream about what success looks like in my life.
Tune in to find out where we end up.